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Meandering post

09/02/2008

I’ve been struggling for some time to think of something new to say; to not re edit old posts and present them as something new. I’ve decided that I need to take a break from what is, I admit, half-heartedness at being profound. Looking over old posts, I see the depth of learning disabilities, weaknesses of mine which still bother me. Truth is, I’ve never been very healthy. Long existing chronic problems and bad life choices have contributed to my capabilities being highly diminished. What’s perhaps dichomatic in my own view of myself is that I both crave and loathe respect I receive for my intelligence. I don’t know if that’s an inferiority or superiority complex, but I think both ultimately lead to the same conclusion: the person with it wants to believe he is better than he is, not withstanding comparison to others. Sometimes I think myself smarter than the better educated, other times I envy them, and the latter is much more the truth. Moments of arrogance happen when I have that rare moment when I know my knowledge, more often my reasoning and understanding, to be superior to that person, whom I unjustly find weaker, even if only on one thing, than myself. An aside, I’m not sure what I’ve put down here so far, so this might make less sense than usual. One thing that’s changed about myself is the need to be original, unique, however possible either is, but still relevant. Referring to my blog posts, I’ve almost always commented from a self-developed, but not concrete, system of reasoning. Truth is, I have virtually no idea what I am talking about, but I like to believe that people who read my arguments, if they forgive the dyslexic, verbose styles of them, will come away impressed. They will think that, despite his misuse of terms, his complicated, usually bad, grammar, he has an understanding of abstract logical concepts that is well above average. But, returning to originality, and the rest of the aforementioned terms, it bothers me also when others seem unconcerned and post what seems generic. Still, I respect that as well. I think it’s more a case of envy. I could never make a post of relevance to most people, if the subject is Obama’s foreign policy, Palin’s tenure as governor of Alaska. Some of that is because of personal limitations, and some of it has to do with what comes to me when I observe something and actually remember it, the rest is covered by whatever. People think about oil, I wonder about the ethics of Europe as concerns Obama. People argue statistically for or against guns. I think about the hypothetical of a given necessity to possess a firearm, and the principles of self defense. I want to be original, or at least comfortable with being prolific, even if what I post is incessant, in a sense, but I really can’t be either. I’m reactive, that’s what I am. I don’t start trends, I don’t pick fights, I don’t even get that political. I simply let something trigger me to respond, and I do when the synapses are firing well enough, then I either joke, talk aloud to myself, or go and do other things, until curiousity pulls me back in. Well, that’s it. Have fun, if possible, deciphering that bit of neurosis.

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